Do You Only See the Beast in Your Relationship?
16 Jul 2008
© 2008 Debra Gordy. All Rights Reserved. Excerpted and reprinted from Creating Joy! ezine.
Wisdom from a Fairytale
Do you remember Belle, the girl who was captured by a Beast who turned out to be a Prince? Do you remember the transformation of their relationship?
When Belle and the Beast first met, quickly all she could see were his “beastly” qualities, which were reconfirmed to her many times over. Then something happened, and Belle came to see the “mean, coarse and unrefined” Beast as “almost sweet and kind.” How amazing was that! Their relationship was transformed from one of reciprocal dislike, accusation and recrimination to friendship and ultimately, to love.
How did that miraculous transformation come about? Would you like to know the wisdom hidden in this favorite fairytale? Well, let us begin . . .
The problem with this of course, is that the tendency to focus on negatives and problems is a function of your left-brain only, and your left brain has only part of the story and answers! Your left-brain is also part of the seat of your ego, and the itty-bitty-committee in the back of your mind. You know the one I mean - the committee that keeps up much of the mind chatter, and for many women, a near-constant internal dialogue of negative thoughts and critical comments. Your ego thinks it’s the real you and has all the real answers, and wants to be right at all costs. Your left-brain-centered ego also wants to win at all costs, and would rather be right than happy.
Doesn’t sound like a recipe for relationship bliss, does it?
This is the pitfall that Belle fell into. She had a lot of time to think while she was in her room alone, and being alone, she likely thought about all she didn’t like about her present circumstances, including the beast who held her captive. This left-brain dominant thinking feeds the negative, and the more she thought about the problems, the larger they became, like mushrooms growing in the dark.
Pitfalls to Relationship Success
Belle initially fell into the NUMBER ONE most common of the 7 common pitfalls on the path to paradise. I talked about another of the seven pitfalls in the Feb. 08 issue when I discussed the Relationship Roller Coaster (RRC). The pitfall discussed in that issue had to do with comparing relationship problems to songs in music, while the underlying issues that keep you stuck on the RRC are like musical themes.
This month, you will learn about the NUMBER ONE most common pitfall on the path to living happily ever after, and creating the marriage of your dreams. This pitfall ruins marriages, and is one of the single biggest contributors to divorce I have seen over and over again, through working with thousands of women and couples.
Number ONE Pitfall: Focusing on what is wrong.
While Belle was initially curious, she soon came to only see the negative in the beast. It wasn’t hard to see back then; after all, he saw himself as a beast, and his attitudes and demeanor were “mean, coarse and unrefined”. So Belle developed a negative filter that she saw him through, and his every action proved her right.
Don’t we tend to do this as humans? We are really good at it in fact. In fact, our human brains are set-up to be problem-focusing, problem-solving instruments. Give your brain something negative, a problem to solve and it goes right to work. Your brain can keep you up at night, searching through all your “internal files” for more info and details, looking for all the data, and supporting evidence proving you right, about the problem it is trying to solve.
What is wrong with Focusing on what is Wrong?
Consider what happens when you focus on the negative; in your own life, what have been the results?
Focusing on what is wrong is the single most common pitfall of conventional ways of trying to improve your relationship, and here is why doing so backfires:
1) First of all, how does your partner tend to perceive you, when you are coming from this place of left-brain-dominant negativity? Does he see a perceived threat or danger? From that perception, how does he respond? How would you respond with a similar perception? And then what happens? You are off to the races, right?
2) Second, and more fundamentally, whatever we focus on expands. This in fact, is Universal Law. Whatever we invest energy and attention on, grows. This is true whether we know about this law or not, as all Universal Laws are. It is universal and therefore, applies to all people all the time, across all cultures and time periods. Whatever you focus on expands, whatever you put your attention on, you feed.
Like most women, you probably have abundant personal experience with this; for instance have you experienced how a small random thought that is allowed to linger, sparking mild annoyance, can grow and grow until you feel extremely angry and agitated, all out of proportion to the original small thought? I know I certainly have been in that place. That is, until I discovered the secrets of what to do instead, that I will be sharing later in this issue.
3) Thirdly, remember I said your left brain is only half your brain? You also have a right-side of your brain; to see the big picture in the situations in your life and relationships, you need the gifts and strengths of your right-brain, too. Your right brain is the side that sees the big picture, makes connections between diverse elements, synthesizes diverse pieces of info, is creative, holistic, contextual, and connected to Spirit. It is also the feminine side of your brain. It is no surprise that in today’s technologically, scientifically-oriented society, most people are left-brain dominant, and the crucial right-brain gifts are sadly under-developed.
In general, most women and men are unbalanced, and when you are, you miss these crucial elements in your relationship with yourself, and with others. You only see half the picture, but because your left-brain nose is so close to the blackboard, so to speak, your left-brain-dominant ego thinks it sees the whole thing. And the right-brain side of you won’t fight.
That is how you get caught in a vicious circle, going around and around chasing those songs again, which are only symptoms, remember? Focusing energy and attention on what is wrong only feeds what you don’t want, and the details of what is wrong (in your perception) are only part of the answer.
What a vicious circle! This is the cycle that Belle and the Beast were in until something changed. . .
This entire article appeared in the March 08 issue of Creating Joy!
This FREE monthly e-newsletter goes to subscribers only, so if you would like to find out how Belle and the Beast changed their relationship from one of fractious contention to a blissful fairytale ending,
and how you can do the same, Subscribe today.
You will recieve the latest issue, along with the link to the March 08 issue. |
|
